As well as performing comedy, Ross is a writer and has written for other comedians and popular BBC Radio Scotland show, Breaking The News.

 

An example of some of the one liners and gags written for Breaking The News are listed below:

 

  • Andy Murray has described pulling out of Wimbledon this year as one of the best decision he has ever made, as it left him free to watch England get papped out by Croatia on Wednesday.

 

  • One of Edinburgh’s best known natural landmarks, Arthur’s Seat, will fill the cheapest space on a Monopoly board promoting the capital.  The most expensive space is to be filled by every bar on George Street.

 

  • KitKat maker Nestle has lost its battle to give its four-fingered bar protected trademark status in Europe.  Nestle has responded with four fingers of its own, namely the index and middle finger from both hands.

 

  • News that Theresa May is taking charge of the Brexit negotiations is not reassuring.  It is like being told that the cast of Love Island will now be taking over, or worse, David Davis is back.

 

  • Blood is likely to be stockpiled also as we reach the Brexit cut-off, but that is just to get enough so we can reanimate Margaret Thatcher to take over negotiations.

 

  • The statistic shows that 22% of funeral goers like to wear black, but that numbers goes up significantly when the person that died is a fan of Slipknot.

 

  • Students are growing their own vegetables after being provided with an allotment on campus at Dundee University.  And if anyone wants to purchase any of these “vegetables” they are selling them in £10 and £20 bags, and it’s cash only, and only if you know the secret burner phone number.

 

  • Carol Vorderman has revealed her delight to be asked for ID to buy booze at 57 years old.  Once the ID was confirmed as valid she asked for 2 bottles from the top and any other 4.

 

  • Holidaymakers have been warned their getaways could be ruined if they drink too much at airports or on flights, which could potentially ruin the old Scottish tradition of the pre-flight-pint-of-lager photo on Facebook.

 

  • A one hundred year old tortoise has been found a week after “running” away from home having travelled just one mile.  He would have got further, if he hadn’t tried to use the Great Western Road at rush hour.

 

  • Someone’s created an avocado tube map to help you find London’s best avo pit stops; meanwhile in Glasgow someone is preparing a similar map of the Subway for best spots to purchase roll and square sausage.

 

  • Burger King have apologised for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to Russian women who get pregnant by World Cup players.  The company are eternally grateful for Scotland not qualifying as they would have been bankrupted by Leigh Griffiths.

 

  • Cocaine flushed into rivers is making critically endangered eels “hyperactive” and threatening their survival, new research suggests.  Said eels are also energetically trying to tell other fish about a screenplay they have been working on.

 

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© Ross Leslie